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Recipes, cooking lessons, tips, tricks, food blog, and more.
Recipes, cooking lessons, tips, tricks, food blog, and more.
I really enjoy a good practical joke. These are some jokes that I was involved in (as a joker or a recipient) while I was working in the kitchens.
7 January 2010
Practical jokes seem to be a favourite way to entertain people working in kitchens. I've been the recipient of many such gags. And to be fair, I've also been the perpetrator on a "few" occasions. I still smile at the memory of many of these jokes.
Perhaps practical jokes are a rite of passage, a way to cement the group dynamics, or a way to relieve stress in what is a rather stressful environment. I am not too sure. What I do know is that they happened in every kitchen I worked in. In retrospect some were crueller than intended, but that is par for the course.
My first encounter with practical jokes was as an apprentice in a fancy restaurant in a small Québec village. My first week working there was somewhat slow. We were gearing up to the tourist season starting and while we did a good amount of "prep" (getting all the items we needed prepared ahead of time). As the new kid on the block, I inherited the glorious task of cleaning up all the copper pots and pans we were using in the kitchen. Chef told me to mix some coarse salt with a bit of baking soda and vinegar and rub that on the pans with "huile de coude" (elbow grease, in English). The naïve kid that I was deserved all he got when he asked "where do I find this 'elbow grease'?". Yes, I wasn't thinking much, and asked about that.
Chef said we had a jar somewhere in the storage cabinet. Sous-Chef then added that he thought we'd loaned it to the shoe cobbler. Chef told me to go get the jar back from the cobbler. I assume Chef rang the cobbler during my 5 minutes walk there, because when I arrived, the guy told me it had been loaned on to the car mechanic at the garage. I am still amazed that they were all able to keep a straight face while sending me on this wild goose chase!
As I was walking towards the garage, it slowly dawned on me that I was being had. It began with a niggling thought: "something seems odd". That thought grew and evolved into "dang! I've been had". I laughed at myself - there I was at 2pm, standing in the middle of a small village, wearing my chef's vest, checkered pants, and my clogs, looking like a right pillock. I went back to the restaurant, without stopping at the garage. I was welcomed by the laughter of all the staff. I think I must have blushed, but I was laughing with everyone else.
One of my apprentices was keen to learn unusual recipes. She was really into things that would be striking. Having some time to spare, I got her to fetch the leftover macedoine (a mix of diced carrots, peas, celery, corn and turnip), and to retrieve all the peas. I then instructed her to insert one grain of cooked rice in each pea, and to breadcrumb each pea. Twice! She didn't argue, she just did it. I showed her how to properly breadcrumb food: flour, then eggwash, then crumbs, and repeat. I also asked her to place each finished pea on a baking sheat, in neat rows so we could count 12 peas for each of the 110 guests at the reception that weekend.
She eventually realised she was doing pointless donkey work. She didn't see the humour in it immediately, although she did say a month later that she was happy I caught her with that. She realised that the joke wasn't entirely pointless, as she learned the best method to crumb food without getting globs of breadcrumbs on her fingers, and it made her realise that the Chef is not always right!
One of my colleagues had been complaining that his shoes had had it. For days he said he needed to buy new shoes. But he didn't. He just kept moaning about his shoes being old, and uncomfortable, and stinky. Everyone in the kitchen was a bit sick of hearing him go on about his shoes.
One morning before his arrival, I took the wheel of Gruyère cheese and cut two thin and even slices, about 3mm thick. I then cut each slice in the shape of a shoe insole. I went into his locker (we had no locks then!), and slid the cheese insoles into his shoes. I waited for his arrival, and hoped he wouldn't notice. He didn't! His shoes went on just like every other morning.
It wasn't long before he started to make comments about his shoes. "Seems like my shoes are squishier than usual"; "My feet don't usualy smell *that* badly"; "I *really* need new shoes". After an hour of wearing his shoes, he had enough and sat down to remove them. I still laugh at his reaction.
He unlaced the shoes, and pulled them off. The socks were pulled down with the shoe, and long strands of melted cheese were pulled and hanging between the sock and the shoe itself. I wish I'd had a camera at the time as it would have made a great impromptu photo. He looked puzzled, unsure exactly what had happened. Everyone laughed so hard Chef had to come in from the kitchen to check up on what was happening. Chef joined in the laughter and "suggested" now was a good time to replace his shoes.
These melted cheese strings look a bit like the cheese looked when he removed his shoe.
Photo courtesy of Tom Goskar under Creative Commons License
One morning the following week , I found a note where my omelette pan usualy was. The note read:
"I am so very cold"
It took me half a second to realise that vengeance is a dish better eaten cold, that he was having a go at me. I went hunting for my omelette pan before breakfast rush began. It wasn't in any of our three walk-in fridges. I then went exploring the walk-in freezer, and sure enough, I found my pan in there. Only it was in a 5 gallon bucket. Filled with frozen water! My pan was in a giant ice cube... I simultaneously freaked out and laughed out loud. I'd need the pan in less than 20 minutes to start serving people. But what a good gag!
I considered the best method to retrieve the pan. Chipping at the ice didn't seem all that practical. Running hot water on it either. I settled on putting the block of ice in the steam kettle, pouring in a bit of water, and turning the kettle on high. It worked. In a few minutes the ice was sufficiently melted for me to get to the pan and return it to its rightful place it at my work station.
Every morning we would put a couple blocks of butter in a dish. The butter would soften naturally by lunch time and we could use it for cooking "à la minute" dishes. We would often have a bit of extra left at the end of the day, which we'd keep for the following day's service.
Soft butter a bit like we'd have, ready to be used
Photo courtesy of Chris Tengi under Creative Commons License
One morning, Chef and I were side by side. He was topping up our bottles of wine, cognac, and other spirits used for the sauces. I was checking the butter. I bent down and sniffed loudly. Chef asked what was wrong. I said I wasn't sure, but the butter smelled a bit rancid. Chef dipped his index and middle finger in the butter and scooped some to smell. As his hand reached near his nose, and he was starting to say there was nothing wrong with the butter, I pushed his hand up. The butter went right up his nostrils. His eyes grew big. He snorted the butter out and let out a string of swear words that would have made a trucker blush. He promised that my action would not go "unrewarded". My punishment was to scale and clean our new arrival of salmons. Rather messy job, that. Well worth it though.
So, these are just a few of the most memorable gags I've been involved with. Do you have good kitchen or food related practical jokes?
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The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. G.K. Chesterton
Oh, I\\\'m laughing so hard! I can\\\'t believe you got nabbed by the elbow grease joke, such a chestnut! But the peas are a classic!
Not quite a gag, but when I was a kid I despised eggs. Before I could speak well I would dutifully eat my egg, then my sister would offload hers onto my plate and tell mom I hadn\\\'t eaten mine yet, what a stinker! I found this out just a few years ago and I am still plotting my revenge for that (not that I recall actually).
Thank you for the chuckle tonight!
Comment by: Heather in SF - January 7th, 2010 @ 22:00
I'm glad you had a laugh :) I have more pranks in reserve for a post in the future. :)
Comment by: Nic - January 7th, 2010 @ 22:53